There are no witty undertones in today's blog. This blog is purely me, all over the place but yet centered one thing - me giving up on life.
This is the kind of day that I can see myself giving up on. The kind of day that I say "fuck it" and give into my deep pain and let go of my life. The kind of day that I, myself, end up laying under ground next to my son.
I knew it as I woke up. So many things piled together brought me into this space, of course starting from my new base line of emotional stability (which is a pretty low threshold these days). Yesterday I had posted a beautiful video of my son and I knew that was going to send me backwards. There are some things I am just not ready for. Watching videos of him is one.
Another one is thinking of my son in the ground and knowing what he must have went through before he passed. I may be ready for a lot, but not those things. Perhaps I may never be ready.
And now, I'm being forced to watch my son come back out of the ground. Apparently, my poor Alex can't rest and have peace, even in death. Watching this is forcing me to go back to the day of his service.
I completely feel like giving up. The hits just keep coming and my life keeps stopping and changing at the drop of a dime.
Visions of the various ways that I die since my son are happening more often these days, a sign that must be screaming that I can't handle this.
How do I get better when all I want to do is give up on life?
Tammy, I can’t imagine what you are going threw! I have felt pain so badly from death and it hurts like nothing else. I know kids are different then loosing parents but I had never lost someone so close to me and I felt so lost and in this dark place that honestly I didn’t know if I was going to come out of it. I laid in bed days on end I cried so much it made me physically sick! I didn’t want to live on this earth without him. I ran all the things threw my head day and night!! I didn’t say goodbye i didn’t get to hug him one last time all the things. The…
Tami I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t ever understand the severity of your pain but after I had my miscarriage I remember wanting to leave too. Even though we have children and a husband to live for I remember that darkness and yearning to be with the one that has left us. You are so loved and prayed for!