Today, I find myself engulfed in a sea of emotions – a mix of sadness, exhaustion, and at times, a hint of insanity. Losing my beloved son, Alex, to an accidental fentanyl overdose has shattered my world, leaving me yearning for solace and overwhelmed by grief. Yet, through the depths of this darkness, I am continuously pushed forward, compelled to honor Alex's memory and make a difference in his name.
The pain of losing a child is an ache that never truly subsides; it lingers, haunting the depths of your soul. It consumes you, leaving you exhausted in ways that cannot be solely attributed to physical weariness. It's a fatigue that burrows deep within, challenging your very will to continue.
There are moments when I question if I can go on. The weight of grief is an unforgiving burden, and there are days when I yearn to retreat into the solitude of my own thoughts, to drown in my sorrow. I ask myself if it's selfish to want to be left alone, to grieve in peace. But then, I hear Alex's voice, a whisper in my ear, reminding me of his unwavering faith in me.
Alex was my biggest cheerleader. During his life, he marveled at my ability to juggle being a student, a working mother, and raising three children all at once. His pride in my accomplishments was a constant source of inspiration. He often told me how I was his guiding light, his motivation. I carry his words in my heart, and they fuel my determination to continue our mission.
Creating a non-profit organization in honor of Alex has been a way for me to channel my grief into something purposeful. We strive to raise awareness and educate others about the dangers of fentanyl, determined to prevent other families from enduring the same heart-wrenching loss. Together, we have visited and connected with over 2,000 students, spreading vital information that could save lives.
But as proud as I am of our achievements, there are moments when the sadness engulfs me. It crashes over me, drowning me in its depths. I am reminded of the void that Alex's absence has left in my life, and it feels insurmountable. The exhaustion is palpable, physically and emotionally, leaving me questioning if I have what it takes to continue this battle.
Yet, deep down, I know Alex pushes me forward. His spirit lives on within me, nudging me to keep going, reminding me that our work is saving lives. He would be so proud of our efforts, of the impact we've made. Even though it's difficult to fathom a life without him, I can recall his voice saying, "Mom, I am so proud of you. It is you that will make me a great man".
In the face of my weariness, I have yet learned to embrace the gentle moments of self-care. Grief is a relentless companion, and it is essential to tend to my own healing. While I understand this, my mind does not allow me to rest.
As I strive to create change, raising fentanyl awareness and educating others, I am acutely aware of the sadness that accompanies this journey. Yet, I remain determined because I know that our collective efforts are making a difference. By honoring Alex's memory, we are saving lives and ensuring that others do not suffer the same fate.
With love and resilience,