Past...present...past

I now live in the past. I am starting to realize just how much that is true and wonder if other parents who've lost their children live in the past as well.

Everyday I have a new routine of checking Facebook to see what my past memories show of that particular day in whatever past particular year. Whether it be 7 years ago, 5 or even 1 year ago, I ache to see Alex's face, name or even that he liked one of my previous posts.

I routinely play back him saying "I love you mom" and hearing his laugh. I do this with pretending it's present day and he isn't actually gone. I do this to try and disassociate from reality of me talking to him at his resting place.

Actually, dissociation seems to be what I do best these days. People, not even my husband or children, see me cry everyday. When I have moments alone, I completely breakdown. The pain is so unbelievably painful, I find myself unable to breath while I'm experiencing that deep ache in my chest.

And the guilt...I've disassociated from that so much that I feel it trying to creep its way through like an invasive species that society does their best to avoid. And because I'm not treating it, I know, that one day I'll find myself completely overcome with it that I can't function.

Not much I can do...but wait until my day of collapse. To be honest, let it come. Even when you have people to live for after you lose your child, you find yourself not caring a whole lot of what happens to you.

Until then, I will continue to push forward and dissociate.