I don't know how else to describe this. My pain drives me into this lonely, lonely place. I completely and utterly feel so alone although have so many people gathered around me.
I awaken everyday trying to swallow my pain and push through with a smile. There are times, especially at work, where I even surprise myself in how good the mask is that I put on and how it sells a stable version of myself. When my mask is on, I can almost hear everyone's thoughts around me as if they were saying them outloud. They question "how is she doing this right now?" The uncomfortablness starts to slowly peel my mask off.
However, if people where to pay attention to my micro expressions they'd see that I struggle to maintain my emotions. I can feel myself swinging from emotion to emotion, reaching to control myself.
While I wouldn't wish this insurmountable pain on anyone other parent, I also selfishly wish this happened to someone else's child and not mine. I selfishly hate seeing photos of other parent's children on social media...even though I post photos of my other children, it doesn't matter....its not fair somehow in my fucked up grieving mind. My emotions are irrational and I recognize and can admit that.
Alex died the Friday before school started....so guess what I had to see? Parent's were focused on getting their child off to school but not before they posted an adorable photo of them. While they excitedly boasted about their child's first day back to school, I had to figure out how to write my son's obituary. I had to figure how what the last outfit he'd ever wear was going to be. I had to figure out how to get out of bed and take a shower.
All I wanted to do is scream! How dare these people, how dare this world, not stop for just a damn moment and take a pause!?! Sadly, the reality is that the world only stops for you. Leaving you in the most lonely of places.
Until next time...